Of Crossroad and First Steps
by Sirens in the water
Summary: Gon slid tentatively onto the mattress, not daring to even glance at the stranger inches to his left. A millennium seemed to fill the gap between the two boys, silencing the tempest in each. Killua held his breath as he tried to stop the tremble in his heart. It was too soon. One-shot. Apology fic.
**A/N**

 **Hello Fanfiction! This is my first HxH story (Probably my last), and no this is not a return. I'm ashamed of my writing in my past, but as it signifies an important part of my life, I'm not going to redo it. It will remain, mildly awful and eternally incomplete. Sorry guys. I did this because I really needed to work through my emotions regarding Gon and Killua's breakup as their situation reminds me too much of what occurs in my life repeatedly. I put more into in than others and often gets my heart walked all over. However, I feel as if Gon definitely appreciated Killua, but he just lost sight of that in his quest for his dad and revenge. While Killua certainly received most of the damage, Gon would have left with guilt and pain of his own. Both may seem a bit OOC and maybe bipolar, but they have grown in this story and both and dealing with the stress of losing their best friend. Each would be eager to reunite and accept the other, but the raw pain would stop Killua from going forward so blindly again. I don't know. This show just wrecked me. Anyway, I hope you all enjoy.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own HunterxHunter**

 _Trees blurred into a streak as my legs worked overtime, covering miles in seconds, words reverberating in my mind_

" _Since is means nothing to you…"_

" _Go away…"_

" _I don't need you…!"_

" _No one else can do it…"_

" _Remember, you're the only one he needs…"_

 _He needs me! Salt and air stung my wide eyes as electricity crackled inside my heart, pulling my chest tight. Sounds of bones cracking, the iron scent of blood, the heat of rage, it hit me at once. I was there._

" _Gon!"_

 _Branches cracked as I broke the tree line, beholding the blank eyes of fury incarnate, the mutilated body of a psychotic warrior. Air escaped me as the eyes stilled my blood. The endless pits of hate consumed my soul as I died. A flash, a lurch, blood. Quiet. Pitou grinned manically as Gon's hand pinned her to the forest floor. Time became thick, his stump gathered aura, slipped downward, then nothing._

 _Heat crashed into my body, scorching my unguarded skin. Noise, noise, NOISE! The world blurred in heat, blood choked my lungs, tears burned my cheeks, my muscles liquefied. Then nothing. Nothing. Everything, Everything all at once. The silence as ash rained down. Gon's sinewed muscle, blood, skeleton._

 _Gon!_

 _Stones rose to my throat, pressure built behind my eyes, my chest imploded as it was stitched up too tight. His eyes were open. Blank. Empty. A sob broke my throat. I failed. I failed. I failed. I failed._

 _Blood sputtered from my lips as a hand sank into my chest. The fuzzy outline of Gon was inches from my face. A hand squeezed my heart._

" _You're not good enough. You left me to die. You don't deserve to be by my side. I left you because you are useless. No one needs you. You are a coward. You. Are. Useless. Die!"_

A scream ripped from my lips as cold rain washed down my face, racing with the tears. Erratic breaths did nothing to stop the hammering of my heart. Not again. No. No. No. I pressed my hands into my eyes as tears poured out while torturous memories played on repeat. Moonlight cut the world into slices of white light, and dust danced to the sobbing sonata my heart played to soothe away the nightmares. Blankets twisted up my feet, swaddling my quaking form.

Gon. His name lifted off my lips in a whisper. I turned my head, laying it gently on my knees, as a sigh parted my grimace. Tears still tracked down my face, blindly following on the march to the blanket. My chest shook with tension as some unforeseen force pressed into it. Not again.

It happened again. Every night since he left. A wry chuckle shoved through my sobs. I'm the one who left. Gon wouldn't have minded if I went. I…I just couldn't. He broke me so… so… carelessly. He never considered… never cared. Not even really apologized. He cared more about apologizing to a dead guy than to me, his supposed best friend. In a fit of white-hot rage I flung my pillow across the room and screamed into the mattress.

It wasn't fair! He was my only friend! How could he do this to me? Why? Why did he have to break me? I was already broken! He wasn't supposed to do that! And he didn't care! He didn't care. He was using me. He stole my friendship and then threw it back in my face. I hate him! I hate him! I hate him! I hope I never see his face again. He deserves to die!

Tears spilled forth as agony ripped my heart to shreds. I hate him. I hate him. I hate… Frustration built as emotions squeezed my throat. I don't hate him, but I want to. If I wanted him to die, I would have let him. But no. I fought my family; I rescued Alluka; I fought Illumi! Just to heal him. Just to save him. How could he ask that of me? How!?

I ruined so much for him. I killed and killed and killed for him. I faced my largest fear for him. And he didn't even ask. I did all of that because I thought that is what friends do. I killed, fought, trained, sustained massive injury, all for him, and he didn't even have to ask. Then he broke me. He took everything I did and crushed it right in front of me, before blowing the ashes into my face. He doesn't need me. He doesn't need me.

Hopelessness filled my chest once more. I just dragged him down. I couldn't defeat Shoot for him. I knocked him out and left Kite. I left him. I betrayed him. I couldn't stand up to Illumi soon enough. I couldn't help him defeat Pitou. I was useless. He never needed me. I couldn't even save him. Nanika had to heal him. Everyone did more for him than I did. Leorio punched Ging. I didn't. Kurapika helped him with his Nen when I couldn't. I was useless. Still am. Always will be.

Silent cries ached from my chest as my heart turned black with loneliness and abuse. It wasn't fair. No one needed me. No one. He didn't apologize. I just dragged him down. He was light, and I was just a fuel source. Temporary. Until I ran out. I'm empty now.

"Onii-chan?" Alluka's loud footsteps traced from the cracked open door of the room up to my bedside, the mattress sagging as she climbed on. Wordlessly, she wrapped her skinny arms around me and cradled my head against her beating heart. My fist gathered the front of her nightdress as liquid anguish stained the white fabric gray. She held my softly, as if I were fragile, about to break.

"Killua," she whispered, "It's okay. You're okay. I'm here. I've got you. You are not alone." Sobs poured out with renewed vigor. I was never alone with Gon. I had the world. Now, despite Alluka and everyone I've met, I'm more alone than I ever was. She seemed to know this and always tried to compensate, always falling short.

"You miss him." It was simple. It was pure. It was true.

"Yes."

We sat in silence, wrapped in our own thoughts. I missed my sun. I missed Gon. I missed his weird, green- tipped hair, his too wide smile, his endless energy, his innocent eyes. I missed the way he would charge ahead but always made sure I was following. I missed the way he looked at me, as if I had opened a new world. I missed the way he trusted me. I missed his passion, his fire, his simplicity, his honesty. I always would.

"Onii-chan?" Alluka's sweet voice rang with concern and reticence. I kept my gaze off her face, opting to stare out the window at the iridescent navy sky.

"Hmm?"

"What would you do if… Do you want to…" She sighed, holding me tighter. "Gon's here."

I stopped. Ice flew through my veins, halting everything.

"What?" Disbelief and fear tainted my breathy exclamation. Alluka shifted so I could stare her in the face, her hands propping up my weak frame. Her blue eyes stared searchingly at my shadowed face.

"He's right outside the door. I asked him to come a couple nights ago." A pause. "You are falling apart, Killua. Every night you wake up crying, and every day you drift aimlessly, not seeing, not caring. You two need to work out whatever is happening. You need closure. I don't want to watch you destroy yourself. Please, Killua. Please talk to him, if not for your own health, then for me. If you die, I'll be all alone."

I didn't want to. I wasn't ready to see him. He didn't want me. I was worthless. I failed him. He broke me. He didn't care. He never asked.

Alluka withdrew from my side, my body suspended by strings of shock and shame. Vaguely, my panicking mind registered that a familiar set of footsteps carefully padded across the carpet. He was barefoot. The steps weren't so heavy. His cadence was slow and even, eerily similar to when he approached a wounded animal. The mattress rolled downward as his weight pushed it down 4.73 inches. Cruddy mattress.

A breathing pattern more familiar than my own roared in my ears. A sharp inhalation. His face would be screwing up, eyes closed, eyebrows knitted as he fished for the words to explain his heart.

"Killua."

Oh God.

Gon stared at his reflection in the window, searching his faded face for the answers. A somber look gripped his features, twisting them into an unrecognizable mask. The kiss of the cool, sterile air of the airship caused slight goosebumps to awaken on his dirt-smeared skin. The lights below laced into a fine web of color, beckoning against the black abyss. Sorrow squeezed his heart tighter than a vice. The honey-eyed boy sighed and turned away.

Killua. That name brought a fresh wave of tears to the now teenager's eyes, pressing insistently against his skull. Gon swallowed a cry of despair, the pain of separation still as sharp as it was two years ago. He had messed up.

He always knew it, but after traveling with Ging, he realized just how badly he had messed up. Killua's face haunted him: the broken smile, dulled eyes, slight mechanical twitch to his frozen muscles. He had screwed up.

As they traveled, Ging introduced Gon to all his friends, each one happier than the last to see them. Each one waxed eloquently about how Ging had saved them, believed in them, helped them see the light. Each one twisted the knife in Gon's heart deeper and deeper as he came to realize what he had done.

He had killed Killua.

Palm was the one who told him about his break down; Leorio recounted his harrowing journey to retrieve Nanika to heal him; Kurapika offhandedly commented on his permanent residence beside Gon's bed. After the rage had cleared, every word Gon had said to Killua came rushing back, hitting him all at once in the middle of the night about a week into his travels. Gon had been so selfish.

He remembered everything Killua did for him from holding the ball on Greed Island to fighting off Chimera ants to save him. Not to mention how he had stood up to years of training, hours of conditioning, and a lifetime of instincts to keep Rammot from hurting Gon. One of the Chimera Ants, Colt maybe, told Gon that Rammot went searching for the boys but never returned. In that instance, the pieces clicked into place: Killua's sudden character change, his confidence, his new fighting style, the way he ran toward danger instead of dancing on the edge. Killua must have taken Rammot on and won. That would explain the massive injuries he returned with. All this sacrifice, and Gon threw it away.

Killua had been the best thing that ever happened to him. That feline boy taught him so much about the world and about himself. Gon owed everything to his former friend. The sapphire-eyed child showed Gon the beauty in others that he never saw. Not to say he disrespected people, but he never appreciated the beauty of their soul until he met Killua. From the first time he laid eyes on the ex-assassin, Gon knew. He just knew that this person was someone very special, someone who only came once in a thousand lifetimes, someone he should keep and protect. And he broke the porcelain heart of one who had walls of stone and a hope larger than the world. He held that beating glass in his hands, eking out every drop of love and loyalty, squeezing and squeezing until it shattered into dust.

He had been so selfish. He had taken advantage of Killua, just like everyone else in Killua's life. He was no better, no he was worse, than Illumi, worse than Killua's deranged, psychotic family. Killua had trusted him, stayed by his side, carried him for miles and miles, and Gon cast him aside once he was broken. The ivory demon never asked for anything, never questioned, always did what was necessary, be it taking massive amounts of Nen to the hand or ripping the heart, the head, the limbs off of his enemies, killing and killing and killing so Gon didn't have to.

Gon knew the silver cat hated killing. He knew of the nightmares that plagued the sleep of his friend, seeking revenge for the souls he had reaped. Yet, Killua did it anyway. He murdered, slaughtered, shredded, fried, and beat the enemies into submission because that's what Gon needed him to do. That's what Gon needed to happen to find his father yet still retain the innocence that shined from his soul.

And Gon had killed Killua.

Gon took his best friend, his only friend, and threw out all of his hard work. He told Killua the only lie in his life that mattered. He told Killua he didn't want him.

A choked laugh lifted from Gon's lips as tears leaked from the eyes that broke his best friend's heart. He had used Killua, never thanking, never appreciating, never realizing, until it was too late. He destroyed Killua, and in a desperate act of self-preservation, the boy had left him. And Gon let him.

He recalled that day when fake smiles and strained pleasantries saw the two parties off. He knew. He knew if he asked, Killua would follow. But he… no matter how… the despair in Killua's eyes stopped him. Ugly realization dawned, and Gon understood. He couldn't ask this of Killua. He just couldn't. The child assassin deserved more. He deserved a chance to live after the hell Gon pulled him through. He couldn't pull the boy into his black hole again. He just couldn't.

So they left. They both left. Left their friendship, their memories, their union because Gon couldn't hurt the boy any more.

He didn't even apologize. His half- hearted 'I'm really sorry' didn't count. Killua deserved a real apology. He deserved a promise to do better. He deserved Gon's unbridled sincerity and regret. And Gon did not deserve forgiveness. Gon deserved to be left, to be cast aside, to be brushed off because he had killed Killua. And he got what he deserved.

Killua left. Ging left. Everyone left. Gon was alone. Like he deserved.

The seat squeaked as the muscular boy shifted lightly, sighing in resignation. He had messed up. He lost Killua and it was all his fault. He couldn't complain. It wasn't his right. He just wished to apologize. That's all. Then he could wallow in his depression in peace.

His phone buzzed abruptly in his pocket, zinging the teen from thought. The contact screen displayed Killua's name, but he knew. Gon knew it wasn't Killua on the other end. Fear for his closest companion ribbed his heart as he accepted the call.

"This is Gon." His formal, clipped tone sounded foreign and wrong. So wrong.

"Hello. It's Alluka, but I gather from your greeting you knew that." The child's sweet voice crackled with static but still soothed Gon's tired soul. A small grin played at the corners of his lips as he replied,

"It's good to hear from you. How is it?"

 _How is he?_

"Travels are fun. We've just about finished up, I think. I've decided I want to train and become a Hunter just like Kil, once we settle down. I'm gonna try and convince him to take jobs and pursue his career. It'll be good for him."

 _He's not well at all._

"Sounds fun! So what's with the call?" Gon didn't try to keep the exhaustion out of his voice. He was tired of pretending.

Static crackled on the other end and a faint ringing filled the other end. A scream maybe?

"Would you talk to Onii-chan? In person? He's not doing too well."

 _It's all my fault._

Gon slid tentatively onto the mattress, not daring to even glance at the stranger inches to his left. It felt like the first time he rested since Alluka had called him, summoning him once more to Killua's side. A millennium seemed to fill the gap between the two boys, silencing the tempest in each. Killua held his breath as he tried to stop the tremble in his heart. It was too soon.

A soundless abyss resonated with their memories, souring their reunion. Gon's throat dried as he searched and searched and searched for the words to explain his selfishness. He sighed.

"Killua."

A whimper escaped the pressed lips of the addressee, tears sliding once more down the cheeks. It was too much. God, he wasn't _ready_. Gon's heart contorted painfully at the pitiful cry of his friend.

"Killua, I am so sorry." Emotion welled up in his throat, pushing the words out of the desperate male.

"I am so sorry. I never… I… I should have never ever ever said those things to you or treated you the way I did. I'm sorry. I am so sorry for being so selfish, for driving you away, for using you, for breaking you like I did, for tossing aside our friendship for some petty revenge. I was wrong. I was wrong, and I lied. I need you. I need you so much and I'm sorry it took so long for me to realize this. You are so special and so important to me. You are my dearest friend Killua. And I'm sorry. I didn't mean for this to happen. It's all my fault. I'm sorry."

At some point tears carved trails down Gon's cheeks during his confession, but he daren't turn his face. He couldn't bear seeing the hate and disgust he'd find in his friend's eyes. But he deserved it. He deserved to feel this pain after everything he had done. So he looked. SO he looked and saw.

Killua's head snapped up at the apology, eyes wide in shock. A part of him was so relieved, glad to know that his best friend still cared, and the other part was filled with pain and hurt, still angry at the actions of the other boy. Tremors seemed to grip the porcelain teen's body, jerking him through a dance of overwhelming emotion. He was sorry. He was _sorry_.

Honey met sapphire, capturing all the passion between the two in a heartbeat. Breathing stilled, and hearts pounded. No sound. Only desperation.

"Killua…Killua say something. Please. I'm sorry. I really am. I know what I did wrong, and—"

"Do you now?" Electricity crackled on the razor edge of the ex-assassin's voice. "Do you really know what you did wrong?" Gon recoiled at the pure venom in the other's tone and then slumped. It was to be expected.

"Yes," he whispered brokenly.

"Tell me then."

"I hurt you. I fought the first day in the 200's of Heaven's Arena. I let you hold the ball on Greed Island. I selfishly challenged Genthru even though you were injured. I nearly lost control when Pitou first showed up, resulting in you having to carry me back to the border hundreds of miles. I let you fight Rammot on your own. I pulled you back into danger. I…I let you kill for me. I added more lives to your list. I…I betrayed you. I lied to you. I told you I didn't need you. I—"

"You broke me." Killua's voice rang out clear, final and absolute, in Gon's ears, halting his lengthy apology. A shuddering sigh introduced the snow- haired boy's soft accusations.

"You broke me, Gon. I trusted you. I would have followed you to the ends of the earth, done anything for you. I did everything I could to make sure I could stay by your side, and you… you… you just… wrecked me. You shattered me, brushed me off like I didn't even matter. All I wanted was to stay by you, and you wouldn't even give me that. After everything I'd done, you would let me help you. All I wanted was for you to ask for my help. I wanted to know if you needed me as much as I needed you.

"Gon, you shine. You attract everyone with your light, and I am no exception. Was it so wrong, after a lifetime of darkness, to want to remain in the light, just for a bit longer? Was it so wrong? I gave you everything, and you just pushed me away." Killua paused, looking for the heart in his words, knowing Gon was hurting with every utterance.

"Killua, I'm—"

"No. You need to hear this." Gon immediately shut his mouth, recognizing that, for maybe the first and last time, Killua was finally opening up. If this verbal execution was what it took to give him a chance at resurrecting their dead friendship, then Gon would gladly take it every day for the rest of eternity.

"Do you understand how much it hurt to hear those words? I can take pain; I was born into, weaned on, and taught by beatings, whippings, and countless hours in isolation. All of that combined, all that pain and betrayal all that combined couldn't even touch the pain that still sits in my chest after what you said. When you walked away from me in that castle, you broke my heart. You destroyed my soul. You ruined me, Gon Freeces. You ripped me to shreds and destroyed me. Every day since then has been nothing but pain and unbearable agony because of what you did. I died that day! Do you know how that felt? I died!"

Tears stormed out of both the boys' eyes, ones of sorrow and ones of shame. The jagged edges of a broken friendship cut the heartstrings of the two that just longed to talk solace from their nightmares in each other's familiarity. But neither was the same.

"That's what you did to me. You killed me."

Gon's heart caved with the weight of Killua's words. It was true. It was all true. He had killed Killua. He had destroyed his best friend, leaving this stranger in the ashes. It was all his fault.

"I know Killua. I know I killed you. And I understand your pain because I've felt similar pain every day we've been apart. I drown in shame when I think about my actions and words towards you. And I am so sorry. I will never not be sorry. For the rest of my life, I will regret everything I did to you. It's all my fault. Everything. I'm so sorry. This will always stain my mind as my biggest mistake and largest regret. If I had the chance, I would do everything differently. I-"

Sobs and shame cut off the words of the green- clad teen. He clenched his fists in anger at himself and guilt over his actions. He had wasted so much of his time. He should have told Killua how much he meant to Gon. He had saved the Whale Island native in more ways than one. Killua had introduced him to a whole world of many new colors and he had given it up for the poison of rage. Baka was right.

Killua drank up Gon's words as if they were gospel and ached so desperately to believe them, but he couldn't. He just couldn't. The walls were too high now and the price as he knew was too steep. Killua knew he couldn't survive another blow like that.

"What would you do differently?"

Gon gasped, snapping up to stare Killua in the eye. The impassive mask of the teen cracked just a bit, a thin ray of hope shining though. In earnest he replied in a cascade of jumbled thoughts,

"I'd introduce you to Ging! I'd fight by your side. I'd learn to control my rage better. I'd save you from your own darkness instead of succumbing to mine. I'd never leave you. I'd accept your help. I'd ask for your help. I'd never challenge Genthru. I'd help you against Rammot. I'd go after Pitou with you. I'd never say those words. Ever. I work every day to prove that I'm worthy to have you by my side. I'd keep you by my side throughout it all. I'd save you, Killua. I'd bring you back to life."

Blankets rustled as Killua wrapped his arms around Gon's trembling form. The honey-eyed boy froze in shock and relief, gently stretching his arms around the other teen, hesitantly then tightly pulling him in closer. The two sat in a tight embrace, tears cleansing their sins and transgressions, purifying and fortifying their bond once more.

"I'm sorry, Killua." A final whispered pray bandaged up festering wounds, beginning the healing process finally. The exposed hate and fear was finally laid to rest and allowed to begin to fade.

"Killua, if it's okay… I'd like to try again. Please." Gon waited with baited breath as he breathed this final request. This was it. He tried not to get his hopes up too much. The crossroads was reached. If Killua accepted, then maybe, maybe they could begin again. Maybe they could become friends again. If not, then Gon would leave. He would leave Killua in peace, and live with the consequences of his mistakes.

Killua tightened his grip on Gon, stuffing his face further into the crook of Gon's neck.

"Baka, do you even have to ask?"

Relief filled Gon as he was finally allowed to step back into his home. It wasn't much, but it was a step.

Finally.

 **Thanks for reading and have a fantastic life.**

 **Love,**

 **Sirens in the Water**


End file.
